Full Heart

I come tonight with a heart that is full. Full of so many emotions that I can't even being to start writing about them all. It is days like these that leave me crying out to my Father for understanding and wisdom. I am a fixer that at this moment can't fix. I feel the need to help heal, and at this moment I can not heal. I am overwhelmed with helplessness. Sorrow flows from my eyes as I am held in a warm embrace.

My Grandfathers favorite Psalm brings comfort to me. As a little girl my Mom had me memorize it and I am so thankful that it is written on my heart for days like today. "I lift up my eyes to the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." (Psalm 121)


It seems, as of late, the Lord has me on my knees for various reason. When I think that I can start to stand on my own two feet, he sometimes gently and sometimes forcefully puts me back where I belong. When God commands us to pray without ceasing....He means it.


The Bible tells us "The Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." (Romans 8:26) I am so thankful that I have The Spirit that can pray when I have no words.


Kevin and I were just talking tonight about people who go to church but have no personal relationship with God. My heart aches for those that have to go through tough times but don't have The Spirit living inside of them to help them along life's journey. There is a passage in 1 John that says, "This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth." When I read that a little over a year ago, I had to do a heart check. It made me stop and evaluate my relationship with God. I am so far from what I want to be, but am I striving to walk in Truth or am I living a lie? I am so thankful for that time of reflection. It started me on a path that has taken my relationship with Christ to a deeper level. A level that God knew I needed for "such a time as this."


And even in this time of struggle, fear, worry, sadness....there is a Rainbow that God has given to us on this very special day. It comes in the form of a beautiful little boy. A boy who has captured my heart and my camera on many occasions. He is mixture of all things wonderful and beautiful with a little Dutch and Russian spice. A year ago today he came into this world...a little early, but for God, right on time. His eyes capture me every time I look at him.
My beautiful nephew, who for today, is a Rainbow in the mist of my tears.


Blessings!!