The hard part... I often feel guilty that I don't work. There are a lot of reasons why... Kevin works so hard to provide for us and he often feels like he doesn't provide enough. Medical Insurance, vacations that we would love to take, home improvement projects, the list goes on. I know that the job plays right with my strengths and it would be 'fun' to have something that is just for me (if that makes sense).
The easy part... too much time away from my family.
Over 13 years ago, Kevin and I made a conscience decision that I would say home with our kids. That instead of a daycare and later a school raising them, that I would be the one to input into our children. Yes, there are tradeoffs, but there is pluses and minuses to every decision... just like the one I made about the job. Our focus however, was to raise them in an environment that allowed them to grow in their individuality and strengths. Our other focus has always been on family time. Whatever that looks like. We spend 90% of our time together and we like it that way. We enjoy being together as a family, we have fun together. So for me to except a job that would take me away from the family when Kevin was home (evenings/Saturdays) was/is the exact opposite of our focus.
I also am not someone who likes to be busy and away from home. It took my very special friend to lovingly point that out to me. She knows how much I LOVE being home. I don't love all the jobs of being at home (cooking... ugh, why couldn't I have that gift), but I am a calmer, quieter, happier person when I am home. When I get too busy, I get too distracted. Just ask Kevin... it takes nothing for me to go off on a rabbit trail, and when I get too busy, it's even worse to keep me on track. Being busy for short periods of time, is ok, but I am happy to admit that I am no super woman and I cannot be all God wants me to be for my family if I am running with my head cut off, giving pieces of me to lots of different people and areas of my life, but not giving the best of me to the most important part of my life... my family.
You have probably guessed what my decision was... I didn't take the job. I was/am so honored that they sought me out. The phone call to turn it down was hard for me because it felt like I was letting them down and it was hard for me because of some of the reasons I mentioned above. But I know it was the right decision for our family at this time in our lives.
I only have a few short years left with my kids at home. The time has just flown past us. My focus needs to stay where my heart is, at home with my family. I will never get this time back... jobs will come and go, my legacy isn't with a position at a company, it isn't on the things that we were able to provide the kids or the vacations we were able to go on. Those are just material. My greatest life's work is on what you can't readily see... what's in their hearts.
I love that my 15 year old son still runs to any family member who walks in the door and hugs them. You also can't leave the house without a hug. He tells me multiple times a day he loves me, and he is the first one to notice if I am not feeling well and steps up to make it easier for me (all without me saying a word). I love that my 13 year old son loves nothing more than to ride in the car with me, pushing as many buttons as he can find, all while he talks nonstop letting me into his crazy, amazing mind. I love how protective he is over me and how he will just randomly tell me I'm beautiful and that he loves that I am his Mom. I love how my 11 year old daughter still wants to sit on the couch and cuddle under a blanket with me as we watch our favorite tv show. I love how the highlight of her week is the 3.5 hours we spend Friday mornings together in (right now) a freezing barn with 36 horses. I love how we end each and every day... with a prayer and a kiss as (2 out of the 3) lay in bed (the other one is never where he is supposed to be, he is either in his sister's room, or in his room messing with stuff, or downstairs telling us one more piece of info, or searching out his cat, or...). I could keep going on, but I think you can see where my passion for life is right now. I should say here that although I have written about my children, my relationship with their Dad is even more important to me. Outside of God, Kevin is the most important part of my life. Loving him well, pours down onto loving the kids well.
I can honestly say that although we aren't perfect, we do have fights and disagreements, we do like our time away from each other, and our house isn't always clean and organized - we LOVE being together as a family, we love spending time together and laughing together (usually it's Tyler making us laugh). We love making memories together. It doesn't really matter what we do, as long as we are together, we are happy.
I don't have a recent picture of our family... so this will have to do. My Mother-In-Law was able to quick snap this picture of my extended family at Christmas... it was FREEZING outside. This is the whole Van Dyk gang (plus Babula, my Sister-In-Law's Mother who is now an honorary Van Dyk).
Blessings!
