Road Trip

The forecast for our camping weekend left a lot to be desired. Our first day was cold and WINDY, but there wasn't any rain. So we decided to go for "a little" drive and wound up at Sleeping Bear Dunes. That was only after we had to hitch the trailer back up, pull all the slides back in and drive it over to fill up with water. I think that was the highlight of the day for the kids. We let all six of them stay in there while we drove it to get the water. You should have heard all the hootin and hollerin goin on back there. With slides in they were trapped, you can't open the doors to get out. They didn't care, they thought it was an awesome ride. They were sad when I put the slides back out and opened the door. They wanted to go for round two!

The last time Kev and I had been to SBD, was way before we had children, so it was fun to go back and show the kids some of the sights. The kids had a great time playing on the dunes.....getting full of wet cold sand (Mom wasn't lovin that part). It was great because they really needed to get some of that energy out before we had to be cooped up inside because of rain.

One part of SBD is a driving tour that you can get out and look at different spots along the way. Although the color had already peaked, it still was awesome to see God's handy work in the fall display. The kids especially liked the area where there is a 450 ft drop down to Lake Michigan...and NO they didn't go down. Kevin still remembers the last time he went down that hill and has no desire to do it again anytime soon (even though he brags that he could climb back up no problem).

After our adventures in SBD we decided to find our way up to Leland. It is a fishing town that is very near and dear to Heidi and Kevin's heart (or taste buds in Kevin's case). This is the town that they would vacation in when they were little. Kev had us walking all over to find the candy store that he used to get HUGE peanut butter cups from. We think that store is no longer there, but there was a store that had yummy fudge, so we bought a pound of it, we just couldn't leave empty handed.

We then decided that it would be a good night to eat out, so we mosied our way back down to Traverse City and had dinner there. It was really a nice easy going day. By the time we got back to our trailers it was time for the kids to go to bed.

Great start to a great weekend.

Blessings!!

Are You Ready For A Happy Post Again?? Wish Me Luck It's Been Awhile!!

Trying to get back to posting happy things, and not all the issues that my heart is going through. It has been a journey to get me back to focusing on the things that bring me happiness and joy. I am not promising that I won't blog about deeper things again, since this blog is really my stress reliever and it helps me to process things that I am going through. But for now I am going to try really hard at writing the happy and funny things that abound in my life. So sit back turn the volume up because I have been waiting for a post that I could use this music for!!

Mitchell State Park seemed to be a really nice park, at least the area's that I saw of it. The first night we arrived it was dusk, the water had been turned off for the night. This was because of the Arctic temperatures that we have been seeing, so we had to do some "rustic camping" in the JW Marriott (that's what Kevin's cousin, lovingly calls our new trailer).

What does "rustic camping" mean??? Well, I had to dig deep within myself to remember how it was that I used to camp growing up. You know, like actually go to the bathrooms to go potty, wash your face, brush your teeth... I had bottled water with, so we let the kids brush their teeth in the trailer with the bottled water. When it came time for me to get ready for bed, I actually had to go to the restrooms so that I could wash my face. It was definitely a blast from the past for me.

Well, morning finally came and guess what...I needed to take my daily shower. We were still out of water and even if we had water, I wouldn't have been able to shower in the trailer since it would have used all our fresh water and filled our tank in the first day. I again had to dig deep within myself to remember all that I had to bring to the shower, all I needed in the shower, and my clothes to wear back to the trailer after the shower. Thank goodness, I have a good memory and could remembered all my Mom had taught me about showering in a public shower.

I got all my things organized on the hooks and the little "seat" that was in the shower. Next is taking off the clothes so as not to get the bottoms of your pants wet. Then turn on the shower without getting blasted with freezing cold water. You all tracking with me here?? Then it's trying to take a shower without touching any of the walls and of course I have shower appropriate shoe wear on (thank goodness for crocks that stay in the trailer). At this point I am feeling pretty good about myself. Thinking that I have it all together, I remember everything to take a shower, I am doing good. Then........(wait for it).........THE LIGHTS WENT OUT!!

It was VERY dark in the shower stall now. There was one little frosted window located outside the shower stall, but that didn't give much light at all. I notice a motion sensor above the dressing area, so I started to wave my hands. The little red light started to blink, so I thought that the lights were going to go back on. They didn't, so I got out of the shower and started to jump around waving my arms trying to get the lights back on. They still didn't go back on.... My mother NEVER prepared me for this awkward situation. I figured that I better finish up my shower and try and get dressed as fast as I could and in the meantime, pray that someone would come into the bathroom to trigger the lights back on.

My prayer was not answered so now I had to do my acrobatic tricks to get my clothes back on without getting the bottoms of my pants wet ALL IN THE DARK. It was a nightmarish situation at best. I was now dressed and had all my stuff packed back into my bag and was on the way out the door...as I reached the door to the outside, the lights flicked back on....I thought I heard them laughing as the door slammed shut behind me.

It was a few hours later, when I was recounting my horrible situation, that Kevin and Rod both said that they thought the motion detector was a video camera, recording all my antics to get the lights back on. NICE....

That is how my weekend began.....

**so how did I do with my happy post?**

Forgiveness

I was already to write a fun post of what we did while camping this past weekend. Then this morning we had something happen that I would like to share.

The kids and I were all around the table having breakfast. Something happened between Micah and Tyler and I was presented with a teaching moment. One that God had been preparing me for and I never realized it.

My pastor and I have been talking about forgiveness. The need to put aside your hurts and let God heal our hearts. He had just sent me a passage from the Bible to read: Matthew 18:21-35. I had just read that this morning, I also read a section on forgiveness, out of my booklet, The Steps to Freedom in Christ. Here are some of the critical points that I was studying.

1. Forgiveness is not forgetting.

2. Forgiveness is a choice, a decision of the will.

3. Forgive from your heart.

4. Forgiveness is choosing not to hold someones sin against him or her anymore.

5. Don't wait until you feel like forgiving (you will never get there).

6. Forgiveness is agreeing to live with the consequences of another person's sin.

#6 is the hardest for me to accept, but it was that very point that I had to try and teach my children this morning. How in the world do I get my children to understand something that I have a hard time doing.

I gave it my very best, for I know how important it is to instill into my children the blessing of forgiveness. How much better life will be for them if they learn this now as children. Can you imagine a life of no bitterness and resentment? That is what I want for my children and that is what God wants for ME (and you)!

We are all living with the consequences of someone else's sin, the only choice is whether to do so in the bondage of bitterness or in the freedom of forgiveness. Where is the justice in that?? The Bible teaches us that "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord" (Romans 12:19). So here is the deal, I don't need revenge, because God has my back and he will get it for me....and honestly, God knows where and how to do it best. He knows our weak points, and takes us to a place where he can teach us, refine us and bring us back to a place of wholeness. A journey that I know well.

Since this morning, the kids and I have been talking a lot about forgiveness, what it looks like and how to do it. I am having to teach my children a lesson that God has been teaching me and to be completely honest is probably the hardest thing I have had to teach, because it is one of the hardest things for me to do. To be OK with the consequences of someone else's sin, no matter what they may be, is so beyond me.

Last night I was watching Biggest Loser (much to my husbands dislike) and Abby one of the contestants was talking about getting her wings back after her husband and two children were killed in a car accident. Her family was killed 5 miles from their house by a man going over 100 mph. SHE is living with the consequences of someone else's sin and is moving on to forgiveness. In that story I was seeing a point that God has been trying to get me to see. That even if my worst fear is realized, that my family is destroyed, by death or divorce, that there is life and forgiveness on the other side. That I will survive and move on if I can just learn this one principle.

Bitterness steals from your soul joy and peace. Forgiveness frees your soul to have joy and peace. What a gift you can give yourself to forgive the person/people who have caused you pain.

There is life and happiness after pain!

Blessings!!

**After I published this post I went to my little flip cards with prayers on them. I have one for the kids and one that I pray for Kevin. Guess what the prayer was for the kids....

Forgive those who hurt my children or speak unkind words about them. Teach my children to walk in forgiveness, and to love even their enemies. I thank you that they can rejoice in trials and struggles because those tests develop perseverance. My children will fight the good fight and keep the faith.

.....Only God could plan that!!

Distratctions

Camping is peace for my soul. The trailer is my sanctuary. There are few distractions, when you have no computer, internet, cable TV, Wii... you slow down and concentrate on what is most important in your life. You put together puzzles with your kids, you color, you go on walks in the cold/rain. And my favorite....I get to snuggle with my hubby once the kids go to bed.

Last week while waiting for Jilli's dance class to end, there was a few of us Mom's talking. One of the ladies made a comment that really struck me. I hadn't really thought much of it, but it is so true. She said the internet is tearing families apart. Now, we all can name certain things ON the internet that are NOT of God. I don't need to spell those out (although a few Mom's had their personal stories about certain subjects that were tearing their families down), but what this certain lady said was it wasn't so much the content of the internet that she had a problem with, but the time it took away from relationships. How true. I can't tell you the last time Kevin and I sat together on the couch without computers on our laps. When was the last time we curled up next to each other and he read the paper and I read a book? When was the last time we watched a movie together? This is a two way street people, I am as much at fault with letting the internet take my time away as Kevin is. It is really amazing to me that I can sit down for just one minute and then an hour later get up. How many nights do I stay up late writing on my lovely blog, only to get mad the next morning when I have to get up and "deal" with my early risers, when it was my fault that I didn't get to bed on time.

We think that this lovely thing called the internet pulls us closer together. We think that we can connect with people so much better. In some ways it is great. I get to journal my life for all of you to read, the good and the bad. It is an "easy" way to communicate. But it is also a HUGE distraction. An addiction of sorts. Something that has to be dealt with carefully. I need to make sure that I am keeping my relationships a priority. I need to make sure that I don't run to the computer first to check to see who emailed me. That I run to my kids for hugs or my husband for a kiss **wink** first. That I make the time to just sit and read. You know, for all the times I say "I just don't have time to study the Bible". What if I took half the time I sit on the computer and gave that to God and read my Bible. Can you imagine what kind of relationship I could have with Him?????

Back to the camping, I love it, I am so sad to see my camping season come to an end, because quite frankly, there are too many distractions here at home that pull me from what is most important. A very good friend of mine said "the question is, what kind of person do you want to be? Now make your decisions based on that." She writes life stories for funeral homes. She said that you can tell the people who really have a legacy of life and love....and you can tell the ones when there just isn't a legacy at all. So to answer my friends question.... I want to be the Psalm 31 women. To do that, it will require to spend less time on the internet and more time in community with the people I love. It will require me to open my Bible, instead of opening my emails. I am not going away, but I am going to make sure that my priorities are where they should be. Making a difference in my home and to my family, not being lost in the addiction of the internet.

I thank God for camping and the peace that it gives me, it is my "happy place" as another friend calls it. It is....I feel so happy when all the technology of this world is not at my finger tips, but my family is. I feel the most free to just be.....be myself, be a mother, be a wife, be a friend. There is a sign that I have seen. "A Family that Camps Together Stays Together" ...I think I need one of those.

Blessings!!

Conversations with God.....I Trust You!!

Yesterday my friend and I had a great discussion about hearing God. She said she "gets" my conversations with God, but she has never experienced that herself. "How do you hear God, is it like a conversation in your head, do you speak out loud?" I hear God in many different ways. The Bible calls it a "still small voice". Yes, it is like a conversation in my head, sounds strange, but the Holy Spirit is inside of me, He has complete access to all of me including my thoughts. Yes, I do sometimes talk out loud to him, when I am alone, it is still a conversation type discussion. She asked me if I just sit and wait, because she says, I don't have time to just sit and wait. I explained that he speaks when my spirit is quiet, not necessarily my body. Most of my conversations happen when I am running, my body is working hard, so it freeze up my mind to be still and listen. I feel a great privilege that God chooses to talk to me in this way. I am learning more and more how to listen and check to make sure it is really God speaking because the Devil likes to impute a lot of lies in our thoughts. He has a way of making people think that what they are doing is right, when it isn't. I use the Bible, prayer and some very Godly counsel to discern the difference. But God does speak to me in different ways. Have you ever read a passage in the Bible that takes your breath away because it feels as if it was written for just you? Has there ever been a song that you hear or sing that chokes you up because it pierces your heart? Have you ever sat listening to a message and you are sure that the pastor had access to all of your thoughts for the week? Here is another one... Reading a devotional that is exactly what you needed to read for that morning. I had that this morning, so I want to share it with all of you because maybe, just maybe, God will use it to speak to you...

Whatever It Takes

Marybeth Whalen

"For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance."

Psalm 66:10-12 (NIV)

Devotion:

This school year, my husband and I made some big changes in our house. We took the kids' computer out of the bonus room and gave them use of our two laptop computers in our presence only. We took the extra TV out of the bonus room. We got rid of all the extra channels on our satellite service, leaving the basic few. And we began requiring that our two children who have cell phones turn them in for the night at 8pm.

Why did we implement these seemingly harsh decisions? Because last school year our children made some bad choices... and their grades reflected it. They chose to watch TV in the bonus room instead of going to bed at a decent hour. They chose to play on the computer when they were supposed to be working on assignments. They chose to text their friends instead of focus on their schoolwork.

After repeated lectures and warnings, they still made the same mistakes. This pattern of behavior left us no choice but to come in and remove the things that were a stumbling block. The kids didn't like our decision and to them it seemed unfair. But we stood firm. We knew that we were doing the right thing for our children. We could see a future they could not, and we had to protect that future for them--even if they didn't understand our method for doing so. As their parents, we have to do whatever it takes.

Sometimes God has to do the same for us. At the time His plan may seem harsh and unnecessary. We may not realize that He can see a future we cannot. We are His children, and He will remove all stumbling blocks that keep us from being all that we can be. Even if it hurts. Even when we cry and beg Him not to. Even when we pout and tell Him it's not fair.

It's because I love you, He tells us, that I do this. I am creating something beautiful in you if you will just stop fighting me. I have a place I am trying to get you to. You can't see it, my precious child, but I can.

Is there something God is doing in your life that feels unjust? That has you pouting or crying or wondering why? Maybe you identify with the verses from today. You feel imprisoned, burdened, trampled, burned. Do you trust Him to bring you out of the place where you are to a place of abundance? The most beautiful prayer we can pray is: I trust You, I trust You, I trust You. He is a loving Father who only wants the best for us and He will do whatever it takes to get us there. Instead of fighting Him, let's rest in that Truth.

Dear Lord, I trust You. I trust You. I trust You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Blessings!!

God's Choice

This weekend was good for me on many different levels. One, being that I just love spending time with my cousins. Two, Carey and I always seem to sneak in a little time for what we call our "therapy" session. Three, God spoke to me very clearly.

Growing up and even now as an adult, I have always felt second best. I was never any ones first choice. Never picked first for games when I was in school. I was never the friend that everyone wanted to play with, I was kind of the leftovers. Even in high school, I was not the first girl that the guys wanted to ask out on a date. I have kind of always felt (and still struggle with) the fact that I was never someones first choice, I was... "well, if I can't have _______, I guess Lyn will do". Now, I am not saying all this for you to feel sorry for me. On the contrary, I want you to understand the revelation I had while we were driving home last night.

Yesterday Carey and I went for a short walk. On our walk Carey and I shared stories, choices we had made and how we look back over those choices and wonder "what if". She also shared with me a piece of information that I had never known before and those feelings of "second best, never the first choice, always the leftover's" came flooding back to me. Tucking those feelings inside to digest later, we finished our walk, ate some more food, packed up and we started our journey back home.

It was late, the sun had already dipped below the horizon hours ago. The movie was running in the back for the kids, although as Tyler put it... "we're losing people", because Micah and Jilli were both sleeping already. My heart was quiet before the Lord. Looking at the clear sky as we were flying down the road, I heard that very familiar voice speak to me again.

"Lyn, why do you feel second best?" That is easy to answer God, How many times was I looked over until there was no other options... How many times have I been placed on the shelf until I was the only one left? And you know what God? I am kind of mad about that....I am mad that I allowed myself to still "be there" when the first choice was no longer an option. To allow people to walk over me like that. "Lyn, it might appear to you and others that you were the second choice. But does it really matter, what choice you were to people? Does, first, second, or third choice make a difference? You were MY choice. I choose you before you were even born. I KNEW all of your days when you were made in the secret place. You were my chosen person, holy and dearly loved by Me. When it felt like you were second best, I was just preparing you to BE THE BEST, Lyn, I have a very specific plan for you, It might take a few tries for others to realize the gift you are, it might take a few tries for you to realize how special you are, but you need to realize and trust that I have the best plan for you." ...So by this time I am leaning forward in my seat, needing a bathroom desperately, trying not to cry, so that I don't have to try and explain why there are tears falling from my eyes. I start to think about what was just spoken to me...

God's Choice. I have never thought of myself as that. First choice, really isn't the best choice, because we look at it with sinful human eyes. We have no idea what our life story is going to be, only God does, so do we really want to be the first choice to someone else or do we want to be God's choice? This is a hard concept for me to accept. Because thinking through a worldly filter, you do want to be someones first choice. Who doesn't want to be looked upon like they are "the best" this world has to offer. But that at it's core is a very selfish thought pattern. To think of oneself so highly is a dangerous place to be. Because if you look at yourself with such high regards you start to remove God from where he should be, the Lord of you life. You rely on your feelings and desires. You stop looking at your life through God's filter and start to look at it through a very selfish worldly filter. You make decisions on what feels right, not on what IS right. You may start to feel like you are "owed" something, that you have "rights", which God never promised us. Over and over in the Bible God tells us that we must die to self, give up our rights and then we shall truly be free.

Reflecting on all of this God brought me to a passage in the Bible that really speaks to me. How these past few weeks of soul searching and asking God "why" have given me greater understanding to the plan of my Father. Romans 8 is a wonderful chapter, but I am going to highlight just one section. Click HERE to read the whole chapter

1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,^a 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. 3For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature,^b God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.^c And so he condemned sin in sinful man,^d 4in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.

5Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6The mind of sinful man^e is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; 7the sinful mind^f is hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.

9You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. 10But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. 11And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

12Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. 13For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, 14because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.^g And by him we cry, “Abba,^h Father.”16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

5Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. Wow, where is my mind set when I am thinking that I am only second best, where is my mind when I let fear have it's way with me? On sinful desires... Where does my mind need to be? On what the Spirit desires!

Learning always learning. Allowing God to speak truth to me is a painful, but healing process. It is like a burn victim who needs all the old dead skin to be slowly pulled of his body, so that the new skin can start to breath and heal, it is very painful, but without removing the old, the new will never have a chance, and that would result in death.

I am on my way to LIFE!!

Blessings!!

Packing Up

Today we are leaving for Wisconsin for a few days. I am so excited. My cousins and I always have a great time together and our kids have an even better time with each other. Jilli has already said that she wants to sleep with her cousin Emily. It makes me smile thinking about the special relationship they are developing, hopefully years down the road they will still be good friends.

I am of course ready to leave the stress of life behind me for a few days. A few days of no worry, anxiety, dread. I am feeling like I am in a really "blue mood" and I would love to be knocked back into my happy go lucky self. Of course Kringle always puts a smile on my face (hopefully my stomach will let me eat it). If you don't know what Kringle is you are missing out on one of life's delicacies. My mouth waters just thinking about it!

So hopefully when I get back I will be able to blog about some happy things, and include some pictures! I am still struggling with how to work this Mac....I think I need some direction from a Mac user. Any takers??

Alright, off to go clean a house (Micah is going to help so I get it done faster and so that he earns some money), check on my Dad (who just had his 5th back surgery), come home and pack, and then hopefully leave!!

Blessings!!

Abraham and Isaac

As you all know, I have been struggling with many different things as of late. God is working in me and refining me...which is never easy, but is essential to be the daughter of the King that my heart desires to be. My purpose in life is follow my Father's heart...not mine. How hard that is for me, to give it all over to Him to handle. The story of Abraham and Isaac has been especially special to me this past week. The son that God promised him, the son that Abraham loved and cherished. God told Abraham to sacrifice him. To kill him. I can't imagine how that must have felt to Abraham. Walking to the place where God instructed him to go, knowing all the while that at the end of the road he would have to kill his son. Did Abraham walk slowly, did he dally around trying to spend as much time with his son as he could? I can imagine that he was crying out to God to remove "this cup" from him. His heart tearing in two with each step that he took, but yet he walked, moving closer and closer to the altar. He had Isaac on the altar, with the knife ready to plunge into his son's heart. That is how much he trusted God.

Over the past few months I have been seeking Godly counsel with regards to fear. I have had fear inside of my heart for as long as I can remember. When I was little, I was scared that our house would burn down, that someone would break in, wind freaked me right out, or that Mom and Dad wouldn't return from their Thursday night dates. As I grew my fears seemed to grow with me. My fears now are numerous and they revolve mostly around my family....my husband, my children, our safely. God tells me that I am to be anxious about NOTHING. That I am to FEAR the Lord and nothing else. I am to TRUST God with my most precious gift.....my "Isaac" is my family. I have to so completely trust in God that I am willing to walk my family to the altar and hand them over to the one who created them.

This is not an easy walk for me to take, but this week God has taken my hand and has started walking with me. Walking me to the altar to lay my "Isaac" down. I have started to realize that no matter what happens in this life, I am going to be OK, as long as I am holding my Father's hand. Satan can throw what he has my way, and God is going to hold me firm. I am starting to learn to let go of the control that I feel I need in regards to my family and let God hold them. He knows better how to care for them than I do.

Change......is never easy for me. I fight it, but God is slowly teaching me to embrace it. I may cry my way through this transformation (which is COMPLETELY normal for me...I always love a good cry), but when I get to the end, the altar, I will be OK, because even though I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death I will FEAR NO EVIL, for thou art with me.

The other day, my in-laws came over to take the kids out for lunch. They knew I was having a horrible day, and decided to give me some alone time. When they walked in the door, my father-in-law saw me, came right over and wrapped me in a huge hug. He held me as I cried. There is just something about a fathers embrace that feels so good. He didn't know all that I was struggling with, he didn't care. He just saw that the daughter he was blessed with, through his son, was in need of comfort and he provided it. That moment is very special to me. It reminded me that if my Father-in-law loves me enough to hold me when I cry, how much more my Father in Heaven loves me and wants to hold me.

Thank you Father, for loving me through this process. You alone know my heart, you alone know my needs, it's you alone that will carry me when I feel like I can't go on, and it's you alone that I will praise for the blessings in my life.

Problems

What a week. You know when they say your life can change in a moment? Well it can. Hard for someone who doesn't like change, who feels most comfortable and safe with the way things are. But God sometimes has to shake our foundation to bring us back to our knees and change us.

Change is rarely easy for me, and I feel completely lost and broken. Fear and anxiety have their way with me. I am physically effected. Not fun for me. I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes eating difficult at best. Needless to say that I hate change.

I have been here before, in a place that I would rather not be, and I have come out on the other side a better person. God has used difficult times in my life to form and shape me into the person that I am today. So as much as I resist change, I have to allow my free-fall into my fathers hands. You ever play that game where you stand on a table and there is a group of people down below and you have to fall backwards into their arms? I did that at summer camp once and I never forgot that feeling. That is how I feel now, trying as hard as I might to allow my fall, so that when I land, Abba lifts me back up into a more beautiful person. Still not easy for me.

During a difficult point in my life, I was seeing a counselor. During one of my appointments God opened my eyes to see that I in my own way am a control freak. Who would of thought that my laid back personality would have a control freak side to it. I also have a deep need to be right. Now, I know some people who I would classify as controlling people who always have to be right. I really didn't see myself in that category. But God showed me that there are some places that I have a hard time letting go and letting God have the control. Guess where where this trait rears it's ugly head the most. When there is Change coming or I feel scared or threatened, which really goes hand in hand for me.

I have been dealing with "issues" on many different levels this week and this morning my body shut down. I hadn't been eating much the last few days, sleep was alluding me and I couldn't go on. I felt like I could throw-up, I tried to eat and couldn't, I was shaking, and I was so dizzy. I went back to bed and laid there crying for peace that seemed to just out of reach.

My Mom came over to drop something off and found me in bed. I told her how I was feeling and she sat down next to me on my bed laid her hand on me and prayed. She had no idea all the attacks Satan had thrown at me this week (even though it is only Wednesday). But when she prayed, she named all the things that I was holding inside of me....Anxiety, Fear, Frustration....she prayed for me the only way a mother can, with love for her broken daughter. When she left I wept, I cried out for God to take the wheel of my life, to put his hands out and catch me as I fall to Him. I claimed his promises, and found peace. I can't control my future, but I can control who I put my trust in. It is better to take refuge in the LORD Than to trust in man. Ps 118:8.

I would love to say that I am all better, I have no more fear or anxiety over life, but I can't. I can say, that God is working in me. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds Psalm 147:3. I am a work in progress, but one who is slowly starting to eat again, and gain back the ground that Satan stole from me.

So what caused all this to happen? A list of things, some more important than others, but when added together made for more than I could handle on my own..... One thing I will mention is the destruction of my laptop screen. My son accidentally dropped Kevin's computer on it. Thankfully I have a business insurance policy that will cover the replacement. I am hoping to switch over to a Mac. Tomorrow morning I should find out if it all goes through OK. Even though it has been a headache to deal with, I am believing that God will use this change in my life to bless me. I have been needing a new computer and have wanted to switch over to a Mac, but couldn't afford it. So for a little while you will not have any pictures to go along with my blogs, until my new computer is up and running.

Believing that Change can be a good thing!

Blessings!!

Hold Me Jesus

Has there ever been a song that has just touched you in a way that makes you weep. Have you ever wondered if the writer of the song had you in mind when they wrote it?

Rich Mullins - Hold me Jesus - Is that for me right now. It's like Rich Mullins wrote it for me. It is my prayer, my desire.


Well, sometimes my life Just don't make sense at all When the mountains look so big And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS: So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf You have been King of my glory Won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark It's so hot inside my soul I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

Surrender don't come natural to me I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want Than to take what You give that I need And I've beat my head against so many walls Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band Is playing this hymn And Your grace rings out so deep It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS

You have been King of my glory Won't You be my Prince of Peace


Blessings