What a week. You know when they say your life can change in a moment? Well it can. Hard for someone who doesn't like change, who feels most comfortable and safe with the way things are. But God sometimes has to shake our foundation to bring us back to our knees and change us.
Change is rarely easy for me, and I feel completely lost and broken. Fear and anxiety have their way with me. I am physically effected. Not fun for me. I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes eating difficult at best. Needless to say that I hate change.
I have been here before, in a place that I would rather not be, and I have come out on the other side a better person. God has used difficult times in my life to form and shape me into the person that I am today. So as much as I resist change, I have to allow my free-fall into my fathers hands. You ever play that game where you stand on a table and there is a group of people down below and you have to fall backwards into their arms? I did that at summer camp once and I never forgot that feeling. That is how I feel now, trying as hard as I might to allow my fall, so that when I land, Abba lifts me back up into a more beautiful person. Still not easy for me.
During a difficult point in my life, I was seeing a counselor. During one of my appointments God opened my eyes to see that I in my own way am a control freak. Who would of thought that my laid back personality would have a control freak side to it. I also have a deep need to be right. Now, I know some people who I would classify as controlling people who always have to be right. I really didn't see myself in that category. But God showed me that there are some places that I have a hard time letting go and letting God have the control. Guess where where this trait rears it's ugly head the most. When there is Change coming or I feel scared or threatened, which really goes hand in hand for me.
I have been dealing with "issues" on many different levels this week and this morning my body shut down. I hadn't been eating much the last few days, sleep was alluding me and I couldn't go on. I felt like I could throw-up, I tried to eat and couldn't, I was shaking, and I was so dizzy. I went back to bed and laid there crying for peace that seemed to just out of reach.
My Mom came over to drop something off and found me in bed. I told her how I was feeling and she sat down next to me on my bed laid her hand on me and prayed. She had no idea all the attacks Satan had thrown at me this week (even though it is only Wednesday). But when she prayed, she named all the things that I was holding inside of me....Anxiety, Fear, Frustration....she prayed for me the only way a mother can, with love for her broken daughter. When she left I wept, I cried out for God to take the wheel of my life, to put his hands out and catch me as I fall to Him. I claimed his promises, and found peace. I can't control my future, but I can control who I put my trust in. It is better to take refuge in the LORD Than to trust in man. Ps 118:8.
I would love to say that I am all better, I have no more fear or anxiety over life, but I can't. I can say, that God is working in me. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds Psalm 147:3. I am a work in progress, but one who is slowly starting to eat again, and gain back the ground that Satan stole from me.
So what caused all this to happen? A list of things, some more important than others, but when added together made for more than I could handle on my own..... One thing I will mention is the destruction of my laptop screen. My son accidentally dropped Kevin's computer on it. Thankfully I have a business insurance policy that will cover the replacement. I am hoping to switch over to a Mac. Tomorrow morning I should find out if it all goes through OK. Even though it has been a headache to deal with, I am believing that God will use this change in my life to bless me. I have been needing a new computer and have wanted to switch over to a Mac, but couldn't afford it. So for a little while you will not have any pictures to go along with my blogs, until my new computer is up and running.
Believing that Change can be a good thing!
Blessings!!
5 comments:
I've played that game before - it was really hard! It's even harder sometimes to give our fears, difficulties and vulnerabilities over to the One who can take it all. It's hard but it's sometimes the only way. I'll be praying you find a way to lay your burdens at His feet. He is more than able and He is strong when we are weak.
I miss you. Praying for all your unspoken needs. ((((hugs))))
It really aggravates me when my comments post a ton of times. I only pushed enter once!
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