Hidden Secret

As I write this, it would be so easy to mask these last weeks in a soft light. To puff myself up and make it look like I am a superwomen mom. But the reality is.... I fail... and sometimes I fail big.

This morning we had such a wonderful message delivered to us from Galations 6. Talking about how we can't hide our struggles because there might be someone who struggles with it too and we could help them if only we share. The message really spoke to me, so I am going to be transparent and share a painful moment, a failure, from this past week.

There are times when I let all of the responsibilities I carry get the best of me. Usually I keep things all together and even if I am failing in a certain area, I will act as if I am not. I don't like people to see my weaknesses and will do whatever it takes to cover them up. Unfortunately my children are the ones who usually see those weaknesses and it is usually not pretty when it happens.

During these past two weeks I have felt at the edge of my breaking point almost everyday. I was doing a lot of baking for my Sister-in-law's fundraiser, I was caring for a friends child almost everyday, I was cleaning houses and our church for extra money, on top of all the normal everyday things. I was so thankful for the beautiful weather and the fact that my kids could play outside most of the day to give me a break.

Tuesday rolled around with the big beautiful sun shining in the sky. I had received a phone call that the little girl that I normally watch was sick and wouldn't be coming. I was relieved that I wasn't going to have an extra child for the day and decided that since it had been three weeks since I took the kids to the library (usually a weekly trip), I would take this unplanned free day and go. I told the kids of my plans and we started to get ready to go. Not only did I tell my kids that we were going to the library, I told them that we could walk/ride bikes/rollerblade there. I guess I was trying to go for the Mom of the day award... but what happened next was anything but pleasant.

I was trying to get the house ready for us to go and the kids kept calling for me, they kept asking for help getting the rollerblades and pads on. They kept asking when we were going to leave, then at one point all three of them were yelling at me at once and I snapped. I lost it.

Explosive anger scares me, I don't like it and I hate for my children to have to endure it. But every once in a while, I lose my so carefully reigned in control and it bubbles out of me like hot lava spraying all who are near me. I literally screamed at them to be quiet. I yelled that I couldn't be everything for everyone all the time. That sometimes, I can only do one thing at a time. I went on and on about how they demand so much from me all the time and that they needed to do somethings for themselves. I told them that I was only one person expected to do the work of 10 and I needed a break.

My precious kids just stared at me with wide eyes. Tyler and Jillian silently went out the backdoor while Micah walked up to me and said, "Momma, what do you need help with, I can help you get your work done." That is when I crumbled and cried. The pressures of the past weeks had been released on my poor children and yet my ever growing boy acted like a young man and offered his help to remove the load his Momma was carrying. He silently did as I asked and when he completed something he said "anything else Momma?"

It was an ugly moment. God tells us not to sin in our anger and I was dripping in sin... my children were drenched in my anger and there was nothing I could do to change what I had just done. Except ask for forgiveness.

I grabbed the library book bag and headed out the door, leaving all the ugliness behind me. It ended up being a fun day with my kids. We enjoyed our trip to the library and we enjoyed the rest of the warm beautiful day. But the memory of my outburst still haunts me. I relive it over and over, I can't get it out of my head.

So now what... I can say that I will try harder not to lose control again and I will, but is that the end of the story? I think not. I am not entirely sure of what more there is, but I am thinking that God has something packed up in this story for me to discover. There is a lesson here to be learned and I have yet to figure out what it is.

Blessings!!