Chapter Closing

It's late, I am sitting in bed, the only noise is the fan and Kevin's soft breathing. I am thinking back, remembering. Remembering 3 years ago when I held a little baby girl in my arms for the first time. Looking at her amazed, she had 10 fingers and 10 toes. A beautiful head that was so perfectly round. A face that was so angelic, my Doctors told other Doctors to come and see this beautiful child. She was my perfect miracle.

I was told 6 weeks prior, that this perfect miracle might not be born...and if she was, she would be mentally handicapped, her head too small they said. Do you want to continue the pregnancy? I was asked...by law that has to be discussed. 6 weeks left. End this life? My Doctor knew my decision before I even said a word to him. This is the life God gave me, and I will carry it and love it until God decides to take it away.

More testing...now we are told that our perfect miracle was malformed. No hands the Specialist said. Feet are questionable. Head might be a little bigger than we thought...

More testing...

More testing...We see a beautiful hand waving at us on our ultrasound! Was the specialist mistaken? Could she have seen something that wasn't really there? She ran two scans on me just to make sure. Or...could it have been God answering the hundreds of prayers going up on our behalf? We believe in miracles.

July 8, 2005 at approximately 1:15pm. I delivered my beautiful perfect miracle. My Doctor just smiled...Perfect, he kept saying, Perfect... Kevin and I checked her over, she had all her parts (missing one, the boys thought). God's blessing on our family.

One week later in the Doctor's office. My Doctor looks at me and tells me that she truly is a miracle. I said that I knew, and he told me the other half of the story, the part that I didn't know.

4 months pregnant and I got the flu, for normal adults that is not much to be concerned with. For a pregnant women with diabetes, it is life threatening. My body could not hold anything down. Ketones were building in my body to dangerous levels. I called the Doctor. He told me that if we couldn't get my vomiting under control in one hour, I was going to the hospital and would be put into intensive care. Was I truly that bad?? Praise God, with medicine, my vomiting was now under control. I had to call the Doctor and report my blood sugar level and ketone levels every 30 minutes. I had to drink 8oz of Gatorade every 15min. My Doctor was so adamant that I follow what he said exactly. Why?? I did not know I had DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis) a life threatening condition. My body was poisoning me and my baby.

My Doctor told me that 98% of diabetic mom's that have DKA lose their babies. Their bodies abort them. He was sure that I would be part of the 98%. God was cradling by baby in His hand. Protecting and loving it, when my body was poisoning it. It was not luck that I made the 2%, it was God's blessing and choosing.

God has great things planned for our Jilli, otherwise why would he have spared her, not once, not twice, but three times while in my womb. I am excited to see what those things are, but I want to hold tight to my baby, not letting her grow-up too fast.

She is three today...not a baby anymore...the baby chapter in my life is seemingly closing softly, a new chapter beckons me. I am sad to leave this chapter behind, it went too fast. My tears silently fall down my cheeks. I hear voices of sweet elderly people telling me, to cherish this time, it goes by too quickly. They are right. It went by too quickly...